I keep a tiny reporter's notebook with me and whenever I see or hear something humorous, I am sure to write it down. So hear is a short list of some of my favorite funny things from India:
Indian English
In the region I'm living and working in, I think it's safe to say that most people have not had the chance to learn any English beyond "Hello, how are you?" and "What is your name?" Sure, there are tourists, but the industry is pretty restricted to just a few sites, guesthouses, and restaurants in Jodhpur. And when people do speak English, it's not the polished "accent-neutralized" English of Bangalore techies (or zippies, as they are called). It's an Indian version, with its own peculiarities and nuances that make editing a written report going to Americans tricky, at best. A lot of it is awkward vocabulary choice (and I don't blame them--I probably speak French with really awkward words sometimes, given my limited vocab), but some of these simple word choices make for really entertaining and unintended connotations.
Some favorites:
"Ladies"--I feel like I constantly live in a Dimitri Martin stand-up act, because everyone uses "ladies" instead of "women," thinking it is more respectful. But often, it just sounds strangely creepy. It's hard to find the perfect example, but take for instance what once existed in the Annual Report about the sewing classes Veerni offers, to help women achieve economic independence. "The ladies are trained in basic sewing and embroidery skills...Within a few months, the ladies are then selling these items to local shops, or within their communities." Maybe it's just me, but substituting "women" makes this sound much more acceptable. Perhaps it's the fact that "ladies" is euphemistic for "prostitute" in the U.S....either way, I've been trying to rid my Veerni coworkers of this habit when writing for a UK/US audience.
"Wounds"--Indian English often uses words that make things sound much more dramatic than they actually are. Take, for example, my encounter with a coworker this morning. "Oh no! You have wounds!" "What?" I think, "I haven't been in an war of any sort over the weekend (except with my stomach, that is)." Then, she points to the blister on my foot. "Ohhhh. My blister is a 'wound.' Nice." I must admit, calling blisters caused by cheap flip flops "wounds" makes me feel much more hardcore...
"Accident"--Another example of dramatizing ordinary events by switching up the vocab. I get to work today and I'm told that yesterday Veerni's car had an accident in the village. "Is everyone okay?" I ask, curious that I had not been called by my boss about this. I soon find out that there was no "car accident," as they had told me, but that the car got stuck in mud and that it took a few hours to get it out. A mishap, perhaps? Or an annoyance? But a "car accident" sounds much more dire than they meant it to.
There are more, but they escape me for now, though I will try harder to remember them and write them down next time.
Indian Signage
While few signs can match the hilarity of "Dwarf City Day Care Center" in Jo'burg, South Africa, some of the Indian signs do come pretty close. Some favorites:
Our camel safari company in Jaisalmer advertised itself with a sign saying that it was "Probably the Best Camel Safari in Town." Probably? We gave them a few points for modesty (and honesty) and did, in fact, get persuaded by this sign to book our safari with them.
At the military base in Jodhpur, there is a sign asking people to take out their IDs when they get to the gate. But instead of saying "Please show your I.D." it existentially tells people to "Show your identity at the gate."
This one is dirty, so I apologize in advance to my parents and all of their friends who read this blog. On the way to Pushkar this weekend, I spotted a warehouse with a sign that read "Empty Cum Filling Shed." Indian English loves the Latin word "cum," which means "also used as." But it is generally used correctly. Here, it is not used correctly and it makes absolutely no sense, but makes for rather awkward, and inappropriate, signage.
And finally, perhaps my favorite: A sign spotted by Chloe at a restaurant in Jaisalmer advertised "Child Beer." They meant "chilled beer," though it took a few hours for us to figure this one out.
While less funny, other random stuff...
-Today, at work, my coworkers decided they wanted to make me feel better, through various Indian culinary home remedies. But unlike the chicken soup, orange juice, or matzoh balls that people tell me to eat when I am sick at home, these loving coworkers wanted me to drink buttermilk. Buttermilk (endearingly AKA-ed "my worst nightmare") is curd (essentially, yogurt), diluted with water, with salt added to it. It is perhaps the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted. And this was their cure for digestive issues? Luckily, I had braved the buttermilk before (I gagged down about half a glass when my coworker practically bullied me to drink it a few weeks back), and so I was able to get away with not having it, but it was a bit of a fight. Funnily enough, the second solution they provided was a giant, hot green pepper (the size of my fist) deep-fried in batter. Having refused the buttermilk (and because they bought this pepper at a stand especially for me), I ate this while in the car the way to the field site, with my eyes watering from spiciness the entire way.
And finally, in honor of being more than half-way done with my trip, a list of the things I miss the most (in no particular order; I apologize for all of the food-related ones...haha):
1. Thai food. Okay, I think it's peanut butter and peanut-based sauces that I miss the most, but I could go for just about anything at a Thai restaurant right now. I think it basically comes down to the fact that I am not used to eating the same type of cuisine every meal of every day. I've done it before and I'm glad it's Indian food that I'm chained too (it could be far worse), but even so, three months is a long time and even though the food here is really good, I have to bashfully say that its not always as good as I had expected it to be (for whatever reason, sometimes Indian restaurants back in the U.S. do a much better job with certain dishes).
2. Raw vegetables
3. Potable tap water
4. Being able to bite into a peach, plum, grape, nectarine, apple, etc.
5. American men. I never thought I'd say this, but after dealing with Indian men staring, snapping my photo, and flirting incessantly all the time, I miss American men a lot. Friendships between men and women just don't exist here and many Indian men seem to have all sorts of preconceptions about what Western girls are like, which completely alters, and strains, the interactions.
6. Italian food. The closest we have is Pizza Hut.
7. Temperatures that dip below 95 degrees.
8. Tank tops.
9. Infrastructure.
10. And of course, all the friends who are currently stateside, in Europe, or in China.
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2 comments:
Cough cough, and friends in Africa.
I miss most of the same things as you. I am craving American candy like crazy. There is nothing sweet here! Ugandans generally don't even like chocolate.
I also hate eating the same thing for every meal. For the last 3 days I have had matoke (mashed plantains) for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Reading your blog has been a delight. I'm always happy to hear about your adventures.
Sarah
I enjoyed this a lot.
My favorite Turkish-English misunderstanding is how much Turks thing Americans use the f-word. So they use it a lot. What's even better is how they use it. For instance: "I hate traffic! I want to f all the cars!" Or perhaps "My father does not want me to go work in the US. I want to f him."
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